Monday, January 26, 2009
why call a disappointment by any other name
I absolutely hate disappointing people. It absolutely wrecks me when I feel like I have let down people who were expecting something from me. Even when I have a valid response and the other person's disappointment really has nothing to do with my actions I still take it personally. I have been getting better at advocating for myself and not letting people's incorrect disapointment affect me, but on days like today, when my head is aching and my stomach is hurting I can't do anything but cry. And all the tears do is make me angry because I know I shouldn't be crying. I think many people have this perception of me that I'm too strong to let little things bother me, and that I'm confident and don't take crap from anybody. But the truth is that perception is not reality.
Monday, December 29, 2008
hear me
I used to have so many words pouring out of me all the time. I'd write sermons in the shower, I'd compose songs at the bus stop. When it came to finding words of comfort for someone in pain or prayer for someone in sorrow the words would run like fluid from me. In laughter I would easily pick the words of the shelf of my tongue to share in the joy. Communicating also came fairly easily in my relationship with God. I can't remember not having His voice be as familiar as my own. I knew how to speak to Him and how to express my heart. And with speaking came hearing. I knew how to listen to those around. I understood the words from the homeless people I'd meet and the tongues of people in other countries were not foreign to me. I could hear Jesus.
Two and a half years ago I moved to Winnipeg and along with the change of address came a altering of my life as I knew it. I lost my voice and in its place came a fear of connecting. I'd try and visit with those I met on the street or in the buses. I tried to sit down with friends across from coffee. I tried to make a new life in this unfamiliar place. But I couldn't find the words to share who I was. I couldn't find the words to tell those who already knew me that I didn't know anymore who I was. I couldn't find the words to tell Jesus that I was lost and didn't know how to find my way back to Him. All I'd ever had was beautifully crafted sentences with carefully chosen words with which to identify myself and those around me. And with their absence I didn't know how to express. To be honest, after awhile I didn't even know what I wanted to express. Most of the people who had known me for awhile were confused and hurt by the distance I put between us. But even in that I had no words to justify or explain or condone my fear of getting close to them.
There was one open sky in the midst of that time. From the moment I met my husband to this very day I was honest and open and myself with him. I didn't hide or withdraw and I when the instinct inside me told me to hide my heart I fought like crazy and did not hide. I can only chalk my vulnerability with him up to the awesome and amazing grace of God. There have actually been 3 lightning moments in the past few weeks that helped me find my voice again. The first came from the mouth of my husband, the most patient, loving and gracious man I've ever met. He told me, in the midst of me having an emotional morning, that all he wanted was for me to love myself - to love who God made me to be and who he saw when he looked at me. I knew I needed to forgive myself and these words gave me the courage to face the fear that's been bullying my heart for the past couple of years. The second moment was from one of my most cherished and inspiring friends Kaylo. She wrote me a blog and reminded me of who I was and who I am and who I was created to be. It was like a huge raincloud opened up over the desert that had scorched my heart, my identity, and my tongue. The third was the the words that Jesus spoke to me 5 days ago - words so sweet I can still taste them. He told me that life wouldn't wait for me. That life goes on around me every moment of every day and that I'm waiting for something that already surrounds me. He told me that by waiting for the life I imagine is right around the corner I'm actually missing out on the life that He has given me and chosen for me. He said that I could continue to wait but that I'll be waiting until I die and will have missed out on all the amazingness and beauty of life that wakes up beside me each morning, life that texts me "love you lady" all the way from B.C., life that invites me for coffee, life that sits outside the homeless shelter I work at and needs a hug. This is life and it is wonderful. It is sweet and has helped me find my voice.
May the words that come from it be as sweet as the words given to me.
Two and a half years ago I moved to Winnipeg and along with the change of address came a altering of my life as I knew it. I lost my voice and in its place came a fear of connecting. I'd try and visit with those I met on the street or in the buses. I tried to sit down with friends across from coffee. I tried to make a new life in this unfamiliar place. But I couldn't find the words to share who I was. I couldn't find the words to tell those who already knew me that I didn't know anymore who I was. I couldn't find the words to tell Jesus that I was lost and didn't know how to find my way back to Him. All I'd ever had was beautifully crafted sentences with carefully chosen words with which to identify myself and those around me. And with their absence I didn't know how to express. To be honest, after awhile I didn't even know what I wanted to express. Most of the people who had known me for awhile were confused and hurt by the distance I put between us. But even in that I had no words to justify or explain or condone my fear of getting close to them.
There was one open sky in the midst of that time. From the moment I met my husband to this very day I was honest and open and myself with him. I didn't hide or withdraw and I when the instinct inside me told me to hide my heart I fought like crazy and did not hide. I can only chalk my vulnerability with him up to the awesome and amazing grace of God. There have actually been 3 lightning moments in the past few weeks that helped me find my voice again. The first came from the mouth of my husband, the most patient, loving and gracious man I've ever met. He told me, in the midst of me having an emotional morning, that all he wanted was for me to love myself - to love who God made me to be and who he saw when he looked at me. I knew I needed to forgive myself and these words gave me the courage to face the fear that's been bullying my heart for the past couple of years. The second moment was from one of my most cherished and inspiring friends Kaylo. She wrote me a blog and reminded me of who I was and who I am and who I was created to be. It was like a huge raincloud opened up over the desert that had scorched my heart, my identity, and my tongue. The third was the the words that Jesus spoke to me 5 days ago - words so sweet I can still taste them. He told me that life wouldn't wait for me. That life goes on around me every moment of every day and that I'm waiting for something that already surrounds me. He told me that by waiting for the life I imagine is right around the corner I'm actually missing out on the life that He has given me and chosen for me. He said that I could continue to wait but that I'll be waiting until I die and will have missed out on all the amazingness and beauty of life that wakes up beside me each morning, life that texts me "love you lady" all the way from B.C., life that invites me for coffee, life that sits outside the homeless shelter I work at and needs a hug. This is life and it is wonderful. It is sweet and has helped me find my voice.
May the words that come from it be as sweet as the words given to me.
Monday, December 22, 2008
25 things to do while I'm 25
1. Get a tattoo
2. Write a book
3. Read through the bible
4. Eat a sno-cone
5. Catch a fish
6. Grow a plant
7. Get one of my paintings framed
8. Sleep outside
9. Join a small-group
10. Take guitar lessons
11. Climb a mountain
12. Learn to make pad thai from scratch
13. Have a worship session with Katie
14. Go kayaking
15. Go toboganning
16. Organize a fundraiser for Congo aid
17. Take an art class
18. Have a real Christmas tree
19. Go white water rafting
20. Cook a turkey successfully
21. Buy a bike
22. Finish the youth program
23. Plant a tree
24. Go out for dinner & dancing with my husband
25. Finish something I start
2. Write a book
3. Read through the bible
4. Eat a sno-cone
5. Catch a fish
6. Grow a plant
7. Get one of my paintings framed
8. Sleep outside
9. Join a small-group
10. Take guitar lessons
11. Climb a mountain
12. Learn to make pad thai from scratch
13. Have a worship session with Katie
14. Go kayaking
15. Go toboganning
16. Organize a fundraiser for Congo aid
17. Take an art class
18. Have a real Christmas tree
19. Go white water rafting
20. Cook a turkey successfully
21. Buy a bike
22. Finish the youth program
23. Plant a tree
24. Go out for dinner & dancing with my husband
25. Finish something I start
Monday, December 8, 2008
happy anniversary to me
Today I have officially been married for 6 months. I know that most people won't see this as a legitimate celebration but I don't care. I'm pretty sure that after a year of marriage I will only really make a big big deal of the year anniversaries, but for now I find it important to mark each month with a romantic date with my husband. It's not even that we do anything spectacular on these anniversaries - usually it's supper and sometimes a movie or something else is thrown in - but I believe that one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to take time out to remember falling in love and marrying my best friend. I really love these month dates.
However I was disappointedly informed this afternoon by my husband that he will be working till 9 or 10 tonight. I have now cancelled the reservation to our favorite restaurant and instead will eat alone while probably watching an Audrey Hepburn movie. So much for dinner and a movie. But even though it's difficult for my disappointment not to take over and ruin my evening I still try to see the blessings.
I am blessed that my husband has a job despite our feelings toward it.
I am blessed that having a cancelled date on my anniversary is the biggest problem I have today.
I am blessed to have an amazing marriage and an amazing husband who will come home tonight to me.
And I know that my husband is even more disappointed than I am, I know that because he has such integrity he will continue to work hard tonight and give his job all he has. And that he will go back tomorrow to a job that is far, far from his dream.
Thank you Jesus for the everything you give us. Help me to live in deep appreciation.
However I was disappointedly informed this afternoon by my husband that he will be working till 9 or 10 tonight. I have now cancelled the reservation to our favorite restaurant and instead will eat alone while probably watching an Audrey Hepburn movie. So much for dinner and a movie. But even though it's difficult for my disappointment not to take over and ruin my evening I still try to see the blessings.
I am blessed that my husband has a job despite our feelings toward it.
I am blessed that having a cancelled date on my anniversary is the biggest problem I have today.
I am blessed to have an amazing marriage and an amazing husband who will come home tonight to me.
And I know that my husband is even more disappointed than I am, I know that because he has such integrity he will continue to work hard tonight and give his job all he has. And that he will go back tomorrow to a job that is far, far from his dream.
Thank you Jesus for the everything you give us. Help me to live in deep appreciation.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
more than words can say
Words used to flow out of me so easily. I have dozens of journals filled with my thoughts, passions, prayers, hopes, dreams, anger, frustrations, wants and needs. So many pieces of myself tied together by pens and paper.
The last two years since I moved to Winnipeg have been a thrilling and exhausting time of discovering who I really am. I still feel at the very tip of the iceberg of that journey. The burden of just trying to exist during this time of internal tension has at times felt like more than I could handle. My brain and soul and entire identity has felt so scattered that piecing words together to describe it was impossible.
I'm still not really sure where I am on this path of becoming who I am and what I was created for. Most of the time I still feel in the dark of it all. But there have been, and they are increasing in number, these beautiful moments of light shining straight into the truth of my identity.
I am a part of the story of Jesus in this world.
I am the wife to the most patient, kind, talented and loving husband.
I am an artist.
I am a dreamer and still hopeful.
This is just a tip of what is being awakened in me. I don't know who will read these blogs but I sure hope that I do. I sure hope that as I read them they will be fuel on the fire of passion that burns in my soul. And maybe they'll be a spark that will light something in someone else.
.disa.
The last two years since I moved to Winnipeg have been a thrilling and exhausting time of discovering who I really am. I still feel at the very tip of the iceberg of that journey. The burden of just trying to exist during this time of internal tension has at times felt like more than I could handle. My brain and soul and entire identity has felt so scattered that piecing words together to describe it was impossible.
I'm still not really sure where I am on this path of becoming who I am and what I was created for. Most of the time I still feel in the dark of it all. But there have been, and they are increasing in number, these beautiful moments of light shining straight into the truth of my identity.
I am a part of the story of Jesus in this world.
I am the wife to the most patient, kind, talented and loving husband.
I am an artist.
I am a dreamer and still hopeful.
This is just a tip of what is being awakened in me. I don't know who will read these blogs but I sure hope that I do. I sure hope that as I read them they will be fuel on the fire of passion that burns in my soul. And maybe they'll be a spark that will light something in someone else.
.disa.
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